strolling down memory lane.
i've been legally divorced now for over 15 years, but really, Jason + i split up 3 years before that. his war-induced ptsd was a raging inferno of pain inside of him that spilled over onto us. no matter how you tell the story— it's a heartbreaking tale of a marriage + a family that tried but still died.
but i have found— that even sad stories turn into golden-edged memories. we get through the hard times to times that are simpler. + Papa shows us that He's been in the details all along— even though we thought the details would be our undoing.
. . .
that first Thanksgiving after he left our home was the one i thought would surely kill me. i had 2 little beans— 1 + 3 years old. we lived in a little house on a corner lot in jacksonville, north carolina— off-base. he had built me flowerbeds for my roses. we were putting an addition on the house— a master bathroom with a big jacuzzi tub.
i got up early that morning + went straight to preparing the traditional feast. sipping coffee + bustling around the little kitchen as the quintessential domestic Goddess of my childhood dreams. little kid Annie just wanted to be a Wife + a Mommy + an artist. + i was trying so hard to Live my best dreams in that little house on that Thanksgiving morning— 'apron tied 'round my neck. savory aromas filling the warm nest with Love.
holidays have always been some of my favorite times to shine— to decorate + cook + prepare little surprises for my family.
but the main element of my dream-Life had left the month before— + there was no indication that he would ever come back on his own accord. the babies were still just babies. + i was learning what alone really meant.
because even though i had already survived my 2 pregnancies with him deployed to Iraq— there was something far more traumatic about him being right down the road, suffering in his own grief + pain, than when he was on the other side of the world, + i knew he was coming Home.
i set the table with our feast— just as Jakob + Lola's naptime hit.
the most oddly, ill-timed, going-through-the-motions, ritual of Thanksgivings-that-had-come-before. but no longer synced up with the present reality of brokenness.
tucking their sleepy little pea-heads into their little beds, i held back the raw emotion that was threatening to take me all the way out. gently closing their doors, i tiptoed back to the kitchen,
crawled under the dining room table that was loaded with a bountiful display of delicious foods,
curled up in the fetal position,
+ wept.
. . .
i don't know how long i stayed on the floor that day. but i stayed there long enough to lose a piece of myself. to grieve the loss of what i thought my Life would look like at the ripe age of 26. to acknowledge that my Love wasn't gonna be enough to keep our marriage or our family intact.
. . .
i sit in the cool open-space of my little loft this morning, remembering. soft, warm, healing tears kiss my chin. my world today is calm + serene.
those little babies from the story above are 19 + 21 now— thriving. growing. learning. contributing. Loving. reminding me how worth it it's all been.
they are the 2 most incredible humanbeings i've ever known.
they'll be over later to feast. in royal-family style. my eyes most surely twinkling at the little surprises i have in store for my dinner party— The Queen Momma Fox + the bears + a couple special guests of honor.
because the part of me that died on Thanksgiving day, 2006, curled up under our family dining table, wasn't the piece of me that wanted to Love my family + make Life special for us—
my childhood dreams of being a Wife + a Mommy + an artist Live on.
. . .
the Truth is, Life doesn't always go the way we want it to go. we don't always get our way. + we can either become bitter + resentful + jaded + filled with negativity about all of the things that haven’t turned out the way we thought they should—
or we can lean in. feel the feels. acknowledge. accept. process. + choose to move forward in Health, doing the next right thing again + again + again.
i know how painful the holidays can be, sweet Friend. but i also know how completely fulfilling holidays can be, too.
be grateful for what you do have. every little thing is gonna be alright.
Love wins.♥