Love by the numbers.

i feel like beginning a new adventure— today marks my 44th “day 1.” what a strange, wild, intoxicating ride it’s been.

there is not too much to pen— just morning ramblings over coffee and penetrative reflections of the Word. i have been walking a bit on my wilder side. which happens every 4 months or so. i am not fighting this seasonal gust of energy as much as i used to. perhaps turning 43 just means i know myself a little bit better.. + i just so happen to like the me i have discovered i be.

i have celebrated in many of the ways i enjoy over the last week or so. i will continue to celebrate in the days to come. it feels good to be at peace with the birthday girl.

i used to struggle so hard on my birthdays— before i made peace with my story. i used to think that if i prayed well enough or worked hard enough or fasted long enough or proved my worth to the people around me “enough” that i’d be able to change the tides.

but now i know that some cards just get dealt to us without our say— sets of circumstances that determine who we become in this Life. refining fires. tests of endurance + strength. roadmaps to the Truth, by way of hell’s very own brimstone path.

but you know what, sweet friend?

i wouldn’t trade a day of this magical, tragical Life for someone’s else’s dream. for a husband who hadn’t lived-died in war. for an easier climb + not so much to carry alone. for everything to have turned out the way i thought it should.

Papa’s Ways are higher. God-of-the-Angel-Armies’ timing is flawless.

. . .

Love by the numbers—

it’s been brewing in me for sometime. this idea that math is the Love language between the Maker + me.

the number 44 has had great significance in my Life for longer than i can retrace.

and today marks the beginning of my 44.

. . .

this past year presented some of the most challenging trials of my Life, to date— the Son i almost lost and the Father who i did. the Mother saying goodbye to her beloved after half a century of shared life and the Daughter who now knows the sting of bitter betrayal + how to keep her head held high as she walks through the flames. add in my own Life realities— bills that needed paying + plans that needed executing + purpose that needed driving—

dear last year,

you almost got me. but you didn’t. i made it through. but not for lack of trying on your behalf. good googily moogily.

. . .

looking back i see strength. looking ahead i see Promise. looking within i see resolve.

. . .

there are more unknowns than knowns. more mysteries than absolutes. more questions than answers.

sovereignty was never mine to achieve. obsessive control is idolatry. the moon circles the earth which circles the sun + life moves + bends + breaks + regrows.

an essential part of resurrection life occurs when we offer the cup back to the Pourer + request a different cup.

but when the Pourer silently places the same cup back into our open hands, + whispers, “no, My Beloved. this is the One We chose for you.”—

to accept this cup with thanksgiving + receive what has been poured within..

that, my sweet friends, is Eternal Life.

. . .

i fade in. i fade out. i am not who you think i be. for i am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Cosmic Engineer.. and His Love for me knows no bounds.

fortyfour.

. . .

Love you. mean it.