facing the Truth.
well. i’ve waited as long as i possibly could to write to you. i’ve debated deleting the new website and going completely off of the radar, for good. i’ve prayed and fasted and worked my bones into the dirt in every capacity besides creating art and writing from my heart — but i guess, at least for today, this artist’s soul made it through the dark to share a little bit more of the story.
i went by the old house yesterday. the old house as in the little art house. yep. you’re reading that correctly. i actually finally moved us out of the place we called home for almost 13 years. for those who didn’t know, i had an offer out to buy the rental since last autumn. so suffice it to say, my offer was rejected, and the incontrovertible case was made to get out as quickly as possible. the little art house where i had painted sunshine all over the walls to heal us up from the excruciating pain of abuse and abandonment. the little art house that knew so many of our family’s secrets — and what it really looked like behind closed doors when the sunshine went cold and the tears came to the surface. the little art house that kept me in a constant battle between wanting to run away from everything that had ever happened to us in that space and time versus wanting to prove to myself and everyone else that i could actually secure a forever home for the beans and me — that the 3 of us would never have to face the threat of not belonging somewhere ever again.
. . .
warning: this blog is going to be choppy. i feel like a dam ready to burst. an entire flood of words and emotions and Papa’s flawless Love pressing so powerfully from within that the hardened places inside of me are shattering into sharpened weapons. and while, in the end, there will be ample space for beauty and Life and Love to flow freely, the process of becoming broken once more for peace to invade feels like death.
facing the Truth is hard. sharing it with others is excruciating.
but Tender Spirit whispers into the places that feel like failure and says: “this is my Love for you. tell the others.”
. . .
we didn’t move into a new home. there wasn’t really any time for that. decisions were made quickly and needs were presented elsewhere. so many of you know about Dad and his terminal battle with Lewy body dementia. his digression does not come at a predictable clip. sometimes, it almost seems as if he may beat every single odd and statistic and just be a forgetful guy who needs extra patience. other days, it is terrifyingly clear that his Life path is charging towards corporal death. it is overwhelming beyond measure to calculate the potential toll this will take on him and our family. the reality of it all feels like drowning. so staying calm, not panicking, is my entire survival strategy. especially now that i Live in the home with him and Mom. and the youngest teen bean.
yes. you read that part correctly, too. this miss-wild-at-heart-barefoot-and-free moved back in with my parents at the astounding age of 42 with my 17 year old teen-aged daughter— to help while my Dad dies and my Mom lives.
// insert pause to process. //
i told Mom at the beginning of this: “i know i’m gonna lose my Dad, but i can’t lose you, too.” but the truth is, the death of one is the death of the whole. watching her fight to survive this has been inspiring and gut-wrenching and profound. i only want to stand underneath her and prop her up when the weight of it all presses so gigantically on her little frame and she slumps over in pure fatigue and anguish. but oh, my Jesus. there are no literal words for most of the days she encounters. and to now be here, in her space, in their space, and to see. to hear. to experience.
. . .
and perhaps now i should also mention the unexpected promotion at work and the absolutely insane schedule i’ve been plowing through over the course of what should have been a summer break because we all know i actually became a schoolbus driver for the amazing time OFF of work.
which, albeit, may have been the medicine that i didn’t know i needed — financially, of course. but also as a powerful outlet for time and energy. i’ve had somewhere to be. something other than constantly overthinking through all of my challenging life circumstances. which oh my sweet Jesus, there could never be enough time in any given day to figure out solutions to all of the things that are flying at me right now. but perhaps Papa didn’t Create Time for overthinking. perhaps our modern obsession with such neurotic psychopathy is evidence of how far we’ve all fallen. but i’m off on a tangent. allow me to refocus—
i've been learning new skills and further developing what i have to offer this job thing that i happen to feel quite passionately about. even during the move, i was forced to balance my time with unprecedented focus — scheduling work and packing and mom’ing and daughter’ing and trusting in Papa with every ounce of energy i could possibly contain because everything that was somewhat kinda normal and not falling apart is now turned upsidedown and how, in the name of Jesus, will i ever make it through any of this?
things with Jakob are still developing. i know i wrote an ambiguous blog about it months ago. but the long story short is, Jakob had a breakdown in march and attacked Lola and me in our home. he was detained and taken to the the hospital on a 72-hour suicide watch. we are now 4 months out from the incident, and he has completed intensive therapy / counseling, maintained his full-time employment, taken on a secondary part-time job, and has followed every piece of wisdom and advice offered to him from those of us who Love him so dearly. he still faces one misdemeanor and two felony charges. my own Son — facing felony charges in his first year as a legal adult. how much more can one person bear?
and oh yeah. i’m dating again.
. . .
now what if i told you—
the storms in our lives are the evidence of our faith.
and, sweet friend, my faith has never been stronger. albeit, battle-weary. worn-thin. but storm-tested. strong.
// insert pause to process. //
i am so glad we have a friend in Jesus.
so, now. as i sit here and read my own words and connect with the Truth behind what i’ve shared, i am compelled to offer you, my reader, some encouragement amid your own storms. because as deep as the waters, as high as the waves, as dark as the tempest that covers nearly every single area of my Life right now — i am flooded even moreso with a Love that knows no limits. Hope that knows no end. i am more dependent on the person of Yeshua Ha’Mashiach than i have ever been, and in my weakness — which is everywhere— His power and Grace are made known. Jesus is my perfect refuge and strength.
so as a result, i keep showing up in every area of my life to the best of my ability. i keep believing in that which is noble and lovely and good. and i keep choosing peace amid the chaos — calm inside of the storm.
Papa remains worthy of my trust and my praise. and as hard as Life is on any given day, how much easier is it to be Loved by the Creator of it all?
. . .
so i implore you today, my sweet friend — no matter how great the intensity of storm that you face in your life right now, choose Love anyway. for every storm runs out of rain eventually. and the sun will shine again. and Life will be renewed; your faith emboldened, tested. and you will partake in the full awareness of Love that never fails.
His name is Jesus. and you can trust Him with it all. i promise.
Love you. mean it.