being Mom.
’awakened a little early this morning, although nothing like before. it’s taken a while to undo the rigidity of the morning schoolbus routine— formerly waking at 3:30am every weekday, to spend time in the Word before hustling to the big yellow tank to pick up all of the babies for school.
now i can usually sleep all the way to my 5:44am alarm without breaking stride. + there is far less pressure in the mornings to get up, wake up, and rev my brain + my heart up. i no longer have the weight of 120 children’s expectations on my shoulders. that schoolbus driver gig was not a joke, y’all.
but ohhh. i still feel all of that end-of-school excitement + energy.
just. . from a distance now.
. . .
this could have been / should have been / would have been a tremendously exciting end-of-the-schoolyear for us— Lola graduates. but things have changed mightily over the last few years. and both of the kids finished their highschool years as homeschooled students. so Lola has already quietly graduated — her diploma already on file with her employer.
zero pomp. zero circumstance. ixnay on the party.
and not because I’m mean Mom.
but because i decided years ago that my primary job as their only parent is to teach them how to succeed at Life. how to not be miserable. how to not be drains. how to be resourceful. how to contribute positively to the world around them. how to pursue their dreams, set aggressive goals, + how to not need anyone to cheer them on towards purpose.
. . .
Jakob has been in his career now for a few years. Lola is with an incredible corporation that rewards excellence instead of tenure. she is establishing a financial portfolio. Jakob is learning how to save every single bit after the bills are paid.
the next big step for them each is moving out.
so the end of the “parenting children” phase of my Life has come. my baby will be eighteen years old in a month, y’all. eighteen. + the boy one, the Man one, will turn twenty right behind her.
it’s hard to believe that some of y’all have been following our story since they were itty bitty babies.
this Life has been quite the ride.
. . .
i am currently chasing down my own dreams— building a whole new life sans humans that depend on me. *teaching financial independence to your kids when they are young will produce emancipation for you as they grow.
so they grow. i let go. they stand. i smile.
but never too far away with a word of encouragement or a bit of solicited advice. i mostly keep my nose out of it all, unless they want to share. they mostly want to share, because we do Life together. we ask each other for prayer. we share our joys. we share our failures. we show up when we’re needed.
. . .
liberation is near; nearer than i could have imagined.
because these babies are not babies anymore. they are strong, morally-aware, hard-working, go-getters who are beginning to understand the value of integrity, character, + ethics.
they manage their own finances. they pay their own bills. they have to account for their own decisions. they get to reap the benefits of their own freedom + independence.
they make my heart swell up so big it leaks out of my eyes. i absolutely know that i am beyond blessed to be Jakob + Lola’s Mom. they’ve saved me every day of our lives together.
every. single. day.
. . .
when i was a little girl, and people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i had my answer on deck: “i wanna be a wife, a mommy, and an artist.”
the wife thing. well. yeah. we’re still working on that one.
+ the artist thing— Lord, if i don’t get some space soon to paint all of the sunshine and sadness, i may literally explode. this [worthy] pause in creativity has been almost as devastating as losing Daddio himself. the combination of the two has nearly destroyed me.— oh. the artist thing.
but the Mommy thing, y’all?
it’s like the one thing i kinda sorta haven’t completely sucked at. and while parenting has been the absolute loftiest commitment i’ve ever set my mind to, i wouldn’t trade a single moment— tear-soaked or laughter-coated— of doing Life with these two humans as their Mom.
. . .
my dearest Jocko and Lala,
if it weren’t for you, i wouldn’t be me. i hope you always know that you make the colors in my world shine brighter. you make my heart beat wilder. you keep me terrified and enchanted and believing in the absolute best.
i am so proud of you both. each. y’all are the coolest, kindest, smartest, bestest.
i Love you forever. <3